Musings at Altitude

After almost 2 full days of puzzle mongering, I finally get to share my “honey I’m home” stories!  It almost got ugly though.  My son came strolling in to help with the final 30 or so pieces, and then came the inevitable fight to put that last piece in the puzzle:

 

I’d like to point out several things about this picture.  First, my son has an enormous amount of courage (or stupidity) to fight his mother for that last piece of the puzzle when his mother compulsively focused on this puzzle for almost two days.  Second, it’s not obvious in this picture, but my wife was holding two pieces of the puzzle for the last half hour to make sure she would have that final piece…she’s also very compulsive about planning ahead.  Third, judging by the look on my wife’s face and the laser beams coming from her eyes, this could have been a life and death situation…not for her…but surely for him.  And fourth and finally, what kind of son would attempt to steal that kind of last piece of the puzzle pleasure from his mother.  I’m so proud of him!

The really good news is that my wife has now said that she can focus on me and is looking forward to a quiet dinner together.  She doesn’t yet know that the Lakers-Celtics game starts in an hour so any quiet dinner will most likely need to be in front of a big TV in a sports bar environment!  I hope the elation of finishing the puzzle will temper the distress that might be coming when she realizes it’s my turn to be compulsive!

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I popped my head out of my home office just now to see if indeed my wife was still head down over that puzzle.  Indeed she was…in fact…getting feisty again as she can sense, feel, emotionally see the end and that very last piece being put in place.

At the risk of encouraging a fiery response, I said, “I should get to put the last piece in place”.  My wife immediately responded with three simple statements:

(1) “You ain’t puttin’ the last piece in this puzzle.”

(2) “You will die first.”

(3) “I don’t love you that much.”

As I sit back for just a moment and ponder her words, that fire, that passion, that emotional response is exactly why I love her.

Did I tell you she’s Cajun?

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My worst fear has happened…the puzzle’s not done:

 

I’ve been home for about 2 hours now and my wife has been head down over the puzzle ever since.  When I ask her why, she quickly snaps “because I have to get this done”.  She’ll proudly pop a piece of the puzzle in place that she’s been desperately seeking for 5 or 10 minutes and then look up with an “I gotcha smile” that makes me laugh – pure compulsive.

I’m hoping she gets this puzzle done soon and I can get to some of my “honey I’m home” stories.  If this goes much longer, I’ll forget them all.

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While I’ve been off on this latest trip, my wife and 14 year old have been obsessively focused on a puzzle…obviously a fairly difficult puzzle.  I’ve called my wife countless times, text messaged countless more times, and every time she was hovering over the coffee table working on this puzzle.

Just for definition, dictionary.com defines compulsion as “a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one’s will”.  The same site defines focus as “a central point, as of attraction, attention or activity”.

So I have to ask the question – are the actions of my wife compulsive or just focus?

Let me tell you more.  Starting in the evening yesterday, I became very concerned as each time I tried to communicate with my wife she was making grunting noises in apparent agony as she worked on this puzzle.  At one point I asked her through text message which puzzle she was working on, and her response was – “the fricken stupid idiotic dumb frustrating coca cola one! Ugh!”  Now I’m not any form of therapist, but that pretty much alone took it out of the “focus” category and put it very clearly in “compulsive”.  Just to further confirm the category her actions fall in, I text messaged her shortly after the above exchange and said, “So, you’re having fun huh??”  She quickly popped back, “Not!”

After a night of restful sleep, we picked up right where we left off with me at work and her at the puzzle.  I called her and mentioned that her behavior was pretty compulsive, and she disputed that with me.  Shortly thereafter I sent her a text saying, “compulsive”, and she responded with “Bite me!”  That iced it…no doubt about it…her actions are compulsive!

I’m heading home this evening and I’m desperately hoping that the “fricken stupid idiotic dumb frustrating coca cola” puzzle is done.  I don’t want to engage my wife in any kind of “honey I’m home” banter if she’s head down over that puzzle.  That’s high risk for me…dangerously high risk.

Did I tell you she’s Cajun?

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I was amused today as I listened to my wife tell me about how she fixed the dishwasher, something that historically we would have quickly called the 1-800-fix-me-now number and paid the $125 “show fee” to have an incredibly talented maintenance guy take the thing apart and then tell us the simple fix, making us feel incredibly foolish (this one would have) or replacing a fairly expensive part and then putting the number on speed dial for the inevitable 2-3 years before calling again. 

Our problem this time was that the soap tray wouldn’t pop open during the wash cycle, and thus the powder turned to ooze and the dishes got quite hot with no soap on them as they were washed.  Instead of calling the maintenance guy, my wife went out to the GE web site and looked up the FAQ (frequently asked questions) sheet for dishwashers and found that when the soap tray doesn’t open, something may be leaning up against it preventing it from swinging to that open position.  Amazingly, we had a lasagna tray in the bottom rack that could easily have been the cause of our soap tray malfunction, and sure enough, once moved, the dishwasher was back to normal operations.

I’m very grateful that my wife saved that $125 or more (though she mitigated that gratitude by offering to spend it immediately on other things), but more importantly, I’m proud of how she figured this out and embarrassed that I didn’t point her in that direction or look it up myself with me being the supposedly high tech, web literate, internet savvy guy that I am.  Equally as importantly is the difference that is emerging in how my wife and I use the internet and communicate with our friends and colleagues.  Here’s a very quick run down:

Category                                     My Wife                              Me

Primary Use                                  Games                                 News

Networking                                  Facebook                             LinkedIn

Location                                       Kitchen                                Home Office

Preferred Method of Dialogue      Text                                     Email

These are just a few of the differences and each one reflect who we are.  For my wife, the internet became a primary means to connect to me amidst all my travels (instant messaging and email) and then later became a fun way for her to stay in touch with her Mom and her sisters (games – every Sunday night).  That means of staying in touch turned into a means of entertainment (on line games) and a means of social networking with family and friends (Facebook).  For me, it’s always been the same, which is a means of staying in close contact with friends and business colleagues anytime, anywhere and through many different paths (email, instant messaging, chat, IP voice, webex, and blogs).  For me, it’s a means to an end - that level of connectivity that couldn’t be achieved before connectivity became so easy with the internet.  For her, I think it’s an end to a means – that level of entertainment that makes connectivity so much more meaningful and fun.

Regardless of the differences that are emerging between my wife and I on the use of the internet, I want to go back and reiterate how impressed I am that she went to the web when I would have made that call.  In fact, when I got back a couple weeks ago from an extended trip, I had 4 things that needed to be done, and sure enough, I made 4 phone calls.  All were done over the period of 10 days, and it’s very questionable as to whether even if I had tried (with support of the FAQ pages on numerous web sites) that I could have self-performed more than one or two of those tasks (ok – the window washing I could have tried but it would have been a serious risk with me up on those 30 foot ladders).  So now I have to add one more category to differences noted above:

Category                                    My Wife                                     Me

Get Things Fixed                         Internet – FAQ                             1-800-fix-me-now

I stand amazed and inspired, and I’m convinced I need to turn over all the fix it stuff in the house to her now.  And my pride won’t stand in the way either…I’m never too proud to save money or let others use their talents to solve problems!

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After church yesterday, my wife, my daughter and I stopped by Walmart to get some keys made to the house.  For my wife and I, our mission was simple – get to the hardware section, get 2 keys made from one master and 1 key made from the other, and get back on schedule with anything and everything else planned for this particular Sunday.  For my daughter though, Walmart was a grand adventure.  For her, the two most important things in the world existed at Walmart – hockey cards and girl stuff (this is a very broad category of stuff that is very specific to girls – I’m sure you know what I’m talking about). 

Within seconds of passing through the door and by the greeter, we split – thank goodness we split.  My wife and I made a beeline to the back left corner of the store where we assume the key making kiosk resided.  We asked Mike (the Walmart hardware dude) for two of one key and one of the other and Mike started the process, and a very simple process it was.  Mike put the uncut key in the bottom “grinder” and put the master key in the top to be matched during the grind.  The grinding began, and sure enough we could hear the key being made.  When the grinding and cutting stopped, Mike took out the new key, matched it to the old key, and grunted in satisfaction as he approved of the match. 

Mike repeated this process with the second cut against the same master, and during the cutting process, our 14 year old came bouncing up with this in hand:

 

Now Mike got quite a chuckle out of this $8 makeup bag, as our 14 year old talked about how functional this $8 bag was, how cool it was even though it was stripes and not polka dots (is that how you spell “polka dots”?), and how this bag as cool as it was could be used as a purse as well as a makeup bag.  As Mike listened to this bubbly report on this $8 bag, he pulled key 2 out of the grinder and grunted disapproval as the cut didn’t match the master.  He shoved key 2 back into the grinder again, listened for the grinding to prove there was an error, and sure enough, the key ground down proving the error in the first grind.  He pulled key 2 out and grunted approval after the second grind.

As he started key 3, Mike talked about how his wife tended to bring home sales items like that makeup bag too, and he kept smiling at our 14 year old as she kept talking during the third grind.  When we finished, Mike asked if we wanted to pay there, and my 14 year old said “we still have to get hockey cards!”  That brought new chuckles from Mike as he wished us well and we went on our way.

We completed our mission at Walmart as our 14 year old got her box of 60 hockey cards and we went on home.  Just to be safe, we went straight to the front door to check out the new keys, and sure enough, neither of the two keys made from the house master worked.  Even with the grunts of satisfaction, and the re-grinding when the errors were visible, neither new key worked.  Now I blame this on that 14 year old, who in her bubbly description of how flexible and useful that makeup bag was completely distracted Mike when he knew there were errors in the grinding and cutting process.  Getting keys made is a very serious business process.  Having a very distracting 14 year old with you during that key making process brings disaster every time.  Lesson learned – no 14 year olds when getting keys made.

PS. Since life is all about assessing blame, let’s look at the potential culprits in this case: (1) the machine – Mike didn’t do anything but put the key in the duplicating machine and wait for the grinding to stop; (2) the attendant, Mike – maybe, just maybe, there was a “insert into slot” error by Mike in placing the key into the machine; (3) my wife or I – couldn’t be us…we were just standing there; (4) the bubbly one – creating the smiles and the distraction.  So we have 4 potential blamees…I choose the bubbly one!

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When I got home yesterday, my wife corrected me and said the changes in behavior that were happening in my life weren’t a “mid life crisis”…a mid life crisis would include a new sports car and an affair.  Now the new sports car sounds very appealing to me right now.  My Acura SUV is almost 8 years old and has 195,000 miles on it.  It gets a mighty 16-18 miles per gallon, but it’s been a perfect car from both a driving and a maintenance stand point.  In fact, it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to say that my car to me has been like me to my wife – lots of miles, low maintenance, lots of pleasure, and nothing to worry about!

Now back to that affair thing.  The car is easy and quite honestly something I’ve been thinking about frequently right now.  But that affair thing is quite a bit more complex.  See, my wife is half Cajun…real Cajun…pain inducing Cajun if I did something stupid.  I’ve gone through life with “Fatal Attraction” on the front lobe of my thinking, except turn them roles around and see my Cajun wife with the knife coming at me rather than Glenn Close!  After over 5 years of courting prior to marriage that included 4 splits, 2 engagements, and numerous lengthy separations, and then over 25 years of marriage with no splits but about half of our marriage spent in separation for business reasons (not because of problems in our relationship), we’ve come to a type of harmony and incredible respect for each other that has weathered the time and outlasted those separations.  I must admit, a healthy dose of fear (that Fatal Attraction affect) is not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship…sort of keeps me on my toes…sort of keeps me looking over my shoulder…sort of keeps me working hard to show and prove my love at all times…just in case there is any doubt…just in case I do something stupid…just in case…

I wonder if Fatal Attraction is out in high def DVD?  I should watch that about every month or so!  Maybe every guy should!

🙂

 

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My mid life crisis is becoming more and more obvious – more things this week that point to a change in behavior, a change in habits, and a clear effort to be different. 

 

 A few weeks ago my rolling computer bag blew a wheel, and I’ve been using a temporary carry bag ever since.  This past weekend I went out and bought a backpack – how cool is that.  It doesn’t do anything for my back, but I sure feel a bit more modern carrying the backpack instead of rolling around the computer bag!  I also brought my tennis shoes with me this trip, and 4 of the 5 days I’ve been gone I’ve worked out…and it felt good.  And the act that got me thinking the most about my mid liife crisis was breakfast – twice this week I ate oatmeal and fruit.  I don’t think I’ve done that since the 1980’s but for some reason this week I started thinking about my health.

I don’t know what all this means, but I’m thinking my mid life crisis is growing and I’m hoping its growing in a good way and not bad.  I’ll have to start paying attention now that I’m eating oatmeal though…that dramatic change in diet may require me to stay much closer to facilities than I used to…fortunately, I haven’t gone totally over the edge since I had fried chicken the two meals following this morning’s oatmeal!

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I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking back on some of the toughest personal and professional challenges I’ve faced in my life.  Here’s a quick run down on some of those in each category:

Personal

(1) June 9th will be what would have been the 16th birthday of our daughter Gabrielle who was stillborn on this day back in 1992; we still visit her as often as possible in her resting place in Southern California, and even with the passing of time, the memory’s fresh and the pain is still very real

(2) In the spring of 2002, we had gone for over 6 months without a paycheck – the executive team of our Silicon Valley company had given up pay to help the company get through the worst of times after 9/11 when the VC’s were highly reluctant to fund any companies; I remember clearly sitting on the back deck talking with my wife about selling the house, which we had just recently built and moved into; but then we got a term sheet, and shortly thereafter we closed the round and finally got paid

(3) Just before Christmas in 1998 while sitting in Amsterdam on company business, some challenges we were having in the company and the lack of dialogue at the executive level to resolve those challenges convinced me that it was time to move on; I sent a two word message to my friend and boss, “I quit”, and then began an odyssey of incredible challenge without a job and without a paycheck that led to my own company and an entrepreneurial path that I’m in some ways still on today

Professional

(1) In 1984 we deployed to Europe with a team of communications experts to fix the secure voice network supporting the 4-star General in Europe; a European team had spent many months trying to fix the problems in this system and the powers to be deployed our team to fix the problem; after some tense moments during testing and troubleshooting (during the height of the cold war), we came out of Europe with the system fixed and lots of senior ranking people smiling; to us it was no big deal; apparently to them it was much bigger than to us

(2) In 1992 we were challenged to do a 3 year job in just about 1 year and do what would have been a $45M effort through a contracted path for less than $15M through an in-house effort; we were young and stupid and said, “sure”, and 3 days prior to mission need, we activated all capabilities for only $11.7M

(3) In 2001as the internet bubble burst and the resultant loss of jobs in the telecom world escalated, our small consulting firm struggled mightily to maintain any level of utilization as consultants were purged in most of the companies that were our clients; with fewer and fewer of us billable, payroll became a bi-weekly challenge and the pressure and struggle became more than any team of individuals should ever bear

As I think back on these personal and professional challenges (and these are only a few of the many, many challenges that I’ve faced), I smile in knowing that who I am today has been forged from the challenges I went through back then.  I remember so clearly the tears, the trauma, and the deeply rooted worries of the personal challenges, and I also remember the tension, the incredible stress, and the constantly pressing doubts of the professional challenges.  I was able to overcome because of faith, family and passion, but God didn’t promise things would be easy…just that He’d be right there with us through it all and His magnificent plan would play out.

As I look at the personal and professional challenges I face today and compare them to those I’ve faced in the past, I take great solace in knowing that I’m much better prepared to respond to challenge and to overcome hurdles today than I ever was when taking on those challenges from my past.  It’s still faith, family and passion.  The same tools still get me through.  The remembering helps me keep things in perspective.

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I’ve come to realize that my life is quite the paradox and full of contradictions.  For example, take a look at this picture:

 

I’m on the road again and this evening I went out for a wonderful sushi dinner with some good friends and colleagues and then I went back to my room, snuggled up to blog, and began to enjoy this nighttime snack – a Sobe Lean with a Hershey’s Bar – does it get any better than that?

I have found my life to be so full of contradictions right now – very much the paradox.  I yearn for the solitude of quiet times at home and yet I thrive on the chaos and the pressure of work and travel.  I desperately want more communications and more time spent in interactions with others, and yet, I fear more time being spent in communications and more time spent in interactions with others thus giving me even less time for other things – so few hours in a day.  I want to eat right, work out harder, and lose weight, and yet I schedule meetings at multiple meals per day, sucking down way too many calories and mitigating any exercise that I may be doing.  I work harder right now and get much less done.  I challenge folks to tighten their focus and write shorter emails and yet I continue to be verbose and carry on at length on any particular topic.  I pay for the Wall Street Journal on line and yet I prefer to read the paper edition.  And I know I need lots more sleep and yet I stay awake late into the nights thinking of so many things and spending some of that time getting my therapy on this blog.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if just for some specific period of time my life was in complete harmony and there were no contradictions.  I’m thinking that would either be nirvana or completely unacceptable.  There’s something magical about the tension that comes from paradox.  Is it possible to thrive on that tension and yearn for contradictions?

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