Musings at Altitude

I give up. 

Every time I try to get to bed early and catch up on that much needed rest, it’s denied. 

Typically it’s the wheezing and resultant hacking of asthma like conditions that only happen when I lay down. 

But tonight, it wasn’t that bad. 

And by 10:30, SportsCenter went off, and sleep arrived. 

But only momentarily.

At 10:40, I jumped up, swinging at whatever was in the room that was flying at me.  I realized within seconds that my mind was playing tricks on me, and by 10:50 I was back asleep. 

At 11:10, I was back up, anxiously grabbing at the air, and cupping my hand around whatever that sleep depriving bug must have been.  I rushed to the bathroom, turned on the light, looked into my hand and saw the nothingness of yet another ghost bug that evaded my grasp.  I returned to bed once again, apologizing to Denise for waking her up.  By 11:20 I was back asleep. 

At 11:40, I threw the covers off of me and over the top of that hovering demon, leaped out of bed, turned the light on, and gently lifted the covers hoping to see whatever it was that was tormenting me every time I entered that semi-sleeping state. 

Once again, nothing.

So I gave up on the sleep and came to the office again, hoping to at least let Denise get the rest that she needs even if it won’t come to me.

And here I sit, listening to music and pondering why I can’t sleep.

The flying things that aren’t really there have happened before, but normally after watching a movie like The Mummy before going to bed.  Nothing even remotely close to that was watched this evening, just US Open tennis and SportsCenter.

I did kill a spider this morning…an unusually large spider that was lurking just above our front door that freaked out my wife and my 15 year old.  When I swatted it the first time, I missed, and it dropped about a foot towards me on its web, causing me to recoil quickly and swing again.  It took three or four hits to ensure I won and he lost, which brought great comfort to the two ladies cowering inside the door of our house.

Maybe that’s haunting me now.  Maybe that unexpected drop of the spider straight at me is being replayed time and time again every time I go to sleep.

Or maybe I just have too much going on right now, and with an active mind, I just can’t sleep.

When this happens (and it seems like it happens all the time right now), I hear every creak in the house; I see every flash of light from passing cars through the windows; I notice the green lights of the smoke detectors and the dull glows of the radios and the clocks; and I toss and turn wanting all of that to fade away and anxious for sleep to arrive.

And it doesn’t.

That peace that comes from that perfectly deep sleep is avoiding me right now…in fact, it’s taunting me right now.

But it will eventually come.

I hope it’s soon.

Comments Off on Restless (7)

Earlier this evening, a young boy came to my door.  He must have been around 10 years old.  And all he had with him was a box of rocks.

I asked him what the rocks were for, and he said, “I’m selling them because my Mom and Dad need money.”  When he said that, I quickly looked up and down the street, looking for a parent or a car that was following close behind, but I saw no one following him. 

I asked him if he lived around here, and he said he lived up the street.  He looked that way anxiously, obviously not wanting to give out too much information and uncomfortable with any talk other than about those rocks. 

I quickly changed the subject and asked him where he found the rocks, and he said he found them around his backyard. 

I then asked him how much he wanted for one rock, and he answered, “Whatever you can give”.

I smiled at him, because he spoke about the rocks with lots of conviction and no anxiety at all. 

So I told him, “I’ll buy one of your rocks for whatever cash I have in on my desk.” 

I went into my office and all I had was a $10 bill. 

So I brought the money out to the young boy and asked, “Which rock can I buy for $10?” 

He excitedly responded, “Whichever rock you want!”

As I looked through his box of rocks, I saw rocks of all shapes and sizes, some with amazing colors and others the traditional grays and browns that you often find in your yard.

As I shuffled through the box and picked up a couple of different ones, I settled on one rather plain rock that didn’t stand out in color or quality, but did most certainly stand out in its ordinariness.

I told the young boy that I’d take that one and offered him the $10 in exchange.

He smiled and thanked me and quickly turned and walked down the driveway, obviously thrilled with his first sell.

I walked back into my office and followed him as he walked down the sidewalk with an excited look on his face.

I couldn’t help but wonder if his story was true, and if it was, what incredible courage it took for him to walk around the neighborhood with that box of rocks. 

As he walked up the next driveway, I went back out onto my porch and I called out to him, “Are you going to be ok?”

He smiled and said, “Yes sir!” and kept walking up to that next door.

It’s after midnight now, 5 hours after the encounter with that young boy, and I’m staring at the rock that I bought.  I’m wondering about the rest of the story, and I’m wondering if he did indeed sell the rest of the rocks in his box.  I’m wondering what kind of financial needs his parents may have had and whether that young boy took it upon himself to help his parents in that time of need.  I’m wondering how many people immediately thought it was a scam and quickly said “no thanks” and shut the door, and I wonder if that were really the case how many others like me may have been duped by that young boy and his box of rocks.

With so much pain in the world today, it’s hard to know the real need from the scam.  But what if 1 out of 10, or 1 out of 100, or even just 1 out of 1000 were completely legitimate and the need was real and that small donation made the difference in a meal being had or a bill being paid.  And what if that small donation provided a real spark in the life of that 1 in 1000 individual who really did have a need and saw no other way of finding the money needed to meet the need or care for something or someone very important to them.

We’ll probably never know if indeed it does help someone in need in a very meaningful way, but if those that are blessed with the ability to give continue to give, that 1 in 1000 need may be met, and that 1 in 1000 life may very well be saved.

When I look at this rock from now on, that’s what I’m going to believe.

2 Comments »

I’m worried about my 15 year old.

We were downstairs watching US Open tennis this afternoon, and I grabbed a Diet Coke and Dr Pepper out of the fridge for me and Denise (respectively).  I mentioned to Denise that there was quite a bit of beer in the fridge (left over from a previous party), and my 15 year old quickly popped, “I want a beer.  I’m 21 somewhere”!

The obvious play off the Alan Jackson song, “It’s 5:00 Somewhere” was funny when she said it, but quite concerning now that it’s set in.

She swears she was joking.

Regardless, it sounds like I need to ramp my “not till 21” campaign earlier than normal this time!

Comments Off on Life with a 15 Year Old (2)

During our running around yesterday, Denise asked the question, “Where are the firefighters”?  We left the house expecting to see those very familiar boots at every street corner and firefighters walking through every intersection collecting money for Jerry’s Kids.  But none were in sight…not even in front of the fire station.

As we came home from church today though, all of those that were no where to be found yesterday were seemingly at every intersection, causing me to scramble quickly with that habitual move to yank the ashtray out of the car and dump it in the first boot that we came to. 

After 220,000 miles and 8 annual yankings, the ash tray suffered irreparable damage today:

In my mad scrambling to match ashtray to the first boot we came to, I yanked so hard that I ripped it off of it’s guide wires and now it won’t fit snuggly back in like it did before.

Although I feel bad for having gravely injured my ashtray (though notice it actually says “not an ashtray” making it really a coin holder in the car), I can’t imagine a better cause to suffer that injury for!

Anything for Jerry’s kids!

Comments Off on Ode to the Ashtray

I enjoy pondering.  In fact, I specifically need to carve out time to ponder.  And I have preferred times to ponder too – at altitude; while mowing the yard; while sitting on the back deck looking up into a sky filled with countless stars; while sitting on the front porch enjoying the morning breeze and watching the sun come up over the eastern sky; when zoned out on a conference call and looking straight into the mountains; when driving long distances.  All of these allow me to disconnect from the things bombarding me at the time and get away to a tetherless state for some deep thinking.

A Turkish proverb provides a lesson in life about pondering – “Listen a hundred times; ponder a thousand times; speak once.” 

I haven’t learned that lesson.  For me it would probably be, “Listen just enough to think you know what someone is talking about; ponder just enough to frame something mostly off topic and probably very confusing to say; speak just to prove how smart you are and then prove how smart you’re not by doing so.”

If listening precludes pondering, and pondering precludes speaking, then a well-listened and well-pondered speaking should ultimately be steeped in wisdom.  After all, Proverbs 8:12 says, “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion.”

If pondering is at its core an act of problem solving, and problem solving at its core is an act of finding the right answer or determing the appropriate path, and the right answer or appropriate path are by definition determined through the prudence and wisdom matched with the knowledge and discretion of those doing the pondering, then perfect pondering should yield perfect problem solving, which should result in the perfect answer or perfect path.

Francis Bacon said, “Men commonly think according to their inclinations, speak according to their learning and imbibed opinions, but generally act according to custom.”  Biased pondering in affect gets us to biased decisions and thus biased actions. 

Is it possible to ponder without bias?  Even more importantly, is perfect pondering possible with bias?

Since perfection is a journey rather than a destination, then maybe perfect pondering is an act to eliminate bias, or at least to mitigate the preordained conclusions and actions that would result from bias.

This gives me more to ponder.

Comments Off on Perfect Pondering

It’s been a long summer…for watching sports anyway.

Tiger’s been on his game every now and then.

Tennis has been fairly exciting at times.

Every now and then there is a baseball game that seems exciting.

But for most of the weekends from the end of basketball till now, the pastime has been much less than perfect.

But today that all changed:

• Alabama versus Virginia Tech
• BYU versus Oklahoma
• Georgia versus Oklahoma State

Those were the best of the best!

But others were the blowouts that were expected:

• Florida
• USC (my alma mater)
• Texas
• Air Force (my other alma mater)

And it’s even better when you have a very comfortable place to enjoy the games.

Thank goodness football is back!

Contrary to popular belief, THIS is the perfect pastime!

Comments Off on Perfect Pastime

During my military career, I was stunned by how long it took to go from concept to product.  It could have been weapons, satellites, vehicles…it didn’t seem to matter…it seemed like everything took 12-15 years.  When I did my three year assignment at the Pentagon, I found out it wasn’t just products that took that long…it also took a long time for new processes; new organizations to be rolled out; new policies to be implemented.  Many of the things I started the day I walked into the Pentagon were passed over through continuity folders to the next guy that would work on them for 3 more years before passing them on to the guy after that.

Absolutely crazy.

Stuff shouldn’t take that long.

Things being worked on need a conclusion.

But all this changes in a crisis.

During time of war, weapons get conceptualized, built, tested, and deployed in staggeringly short times.

During economic crisis, the decision cycles speed up to the point that things that took years to play around with before could be conceptualized, researched, prototyped and deployed in fractions of the time they would normally take when there was no crisis.

I certainly don’t long for times of war or times of economic crisis.  But I do desperately desire that sense of urgency that comes from a crisis…that impassioned progress against the goal that focuses everyone on getting to that desired and mostly perfect conclusion.

I’ve had that before…projects that needed to get done in an insanely short period of time…cash needed for companies when product didn’t yet exist…payrolls that needed to be made weeks before first revenues were to be received…significantly large bills that needed to be paid with no cash in the accounts and no obvious path where it could come from.  For each of these there was a perfect conclusion…and in each case, that PC was reached.

Adrenaline.  Focus.  Urgency.  Passion.  Mission.

They are all there in these most intense of times.

And I’ve never seen smiles as big as when the project was complete, the funding was received, the receivable was paid weeks to months early…the perfect conclusions.

Intoxicating.

Exhilarating.

That’s the way it should always be.

Comments Off on Perfect Conclusion

My life is perfectly balanced right now.

My life is seemingly loaded with equal amounts of:

• clarity and obscurity
• support and opposition
• likes and dislikes
• friends and foes
• good days and bad days
• praises and criticisms
• desires and aversions
• assurances and worries

So maybe perfect balance isn’t a good thing.

Instead, maybe what I ought to be seeking is perfect imbalance.

Hmmm….

Comments Off on Perfect Balance

Denise and I both shed some tears yesterday.

It was right after my early morning scripture and prayer time, and I sought out the story of Audrey Caroline.  I’d been following her Mom’s blog for the last few weeks and yet I didn’t know what had happened to create such words and such songs, and ultimately demonstrate such incredible faith.

So yesterday for some reason I wanted to find out.

And I did…and I cried…and I shared it with Denise…and she cried…and this morning I want to share it with you.

If you too want to read something special, go here – The Story That Caused the Tears – but have tissues with you, and have the volume up so you can listen to the music while you read.

And then if you want to see more and be inspired in song and in pictures with the incredible faith of that family, go here – Inspiration.

And finally, if you want to read why it means so much to Denise and I, go here – Our Own Tears.

James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Each of us are tested, and each of us face our own trials.

Denise and I still travel out to Los Angeles to spend time with Gabrielle, who never had the chance to breathe outside the womb.

We cherish each and every trip and every single moment together with her.

And 17 years later, we still wonder why, which is in it’s own way a continuing test and a continuing trial.

Thanks for letting me share.

2 Comments »

I have a problem…some would say a big problem.

I’m an impulsive person…very impulsive.

I make decisions on impulse.

I take actions on impulse.

I buy on impulse.

Sometimes I regret the decisions made, actions taken, or things bought.

Sometimes I can unwind, rescind, or return them, respectively.

Sometimes I have to live with them, or apologize for them, or throw them away, respectively.

I’ve quit jobs on impulse…once while I was in Amsterdam…just had enough.

I’ve hired people on impulse…one such person was someone recommended to me by someone who we had just fired…and it worked out awesomely.

Amazingly, most of the time it does work out.

And maybe that’s why I keep on doing it.

Hopefully that will be the case for today!

When I visited my grandson this morning, I saw theater chairs that would have been awesome in our basement.  Our two futons are worn out and very uncomfortable, so it didn’t take much for me to see those type of seats in our theater.

And quite coincidentally, Denise and I were heading straight to a furniture store to find her a desk and chair for her new sanctuary in the loft of our house.

And as we walked around that store looking at the desks and chairs, we couldn’t help but wander into the theater seating area, and boy were the seats comfortable.

And I couldn’t help but begin talking to Tim, who was a commissioned sales rep for the store, and he couldn’t help but say the exact right things to get me precariously close to walking away with not only a desk and a chair, but with a full theater seating area as well.

And we did. 

It must have been fate and not coincidence that the furniture store we visited had those exact same theater chairs.  It must have been fate that they were on sale for Labor Day.  It must have been fate that the exact number we needed were the exact number they had available.  It must have been fate that all this has been made visible right before the College and Pro Football seasons start and right before the hockey season begins and all the Avs games are televised in HD.  And it must have been fate that they will be delivered next Friday, just in time for the kickoffs.

So we went in to buy a desk and a chair and came out with substantially more.

That’s happened before.

I went in to get a headlight replaced on my car once and came home with a 60 inch TV.  These theater chairs are going to look and feel great in front of that TV!

I went off on a 100 day TDY once while in the military and came back with a 300ZX.  Denise was 6 months pregnant then and the car didn’t have a back seat.  Thankfully we got our money back!

So this isn’t the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.

At least I’ll be comfortable while pondering the consequences of being highly impulsive and fretting over how much money I spent.

Comments Off on Impulse