Musings at Altitude

I constantly seek feedback; in fact, I desperately want feedback.  I want to know how I’m doing.  I want to know if the things I’m doing are having the desired and anticipated affects on those that work for me and with me.  I want to know if the things I’m doing are in line with what’s expected of me by my bosses.  Ultimately, I want to know if I’m appreciated for who I am and what I do, and I want to see, hear, or feel clear evidence of that from those around me who are in a position to evaluate me or benefit from the work that I do or the actions I take.

As the daily work environment intensifies, the amount of feedback intensifies too.  I end up getting feedback all the time.  In every conversation, by the questions that are asked or the pointed comments made, I’m getting feedback.  In every response to an email, I’m being told if I was understood or if my topic of discussion was complete.  In every smile, scowl or turned head, I’m being told clearly how those closest to me are receiving the messages being sent or accepting the actions being taken.

But when that feedback comes – open, honest, very candid, sometimes brutal – when it’s not what I want to hear, I take it wrong.  I get frustrated because it’s not what I expected.  I go into a multi-day self-assessment, migrating my mood through the various phases of anger, then denial, then rationalization, and finally acceptance.  And then maybe at the end of that process something magical happens and I glean from that candid feedback the very thing I needed to learn in order to be better in my job and better as a person. 

Who the feedback comes from affects me too.  If the feedback comes from someone I greatly respect, the A-D-R-A process can be brutal…and it should be…because that is the feedback we embrace the most regardless of how much it hurts.  If the feedback comes from someone on the other end of the respect spectrum, the A-D-R-A process may be much shorter and quite muted…quickly dismissed because of the source…regardless of the accuracy or value of the comments.

I’m dwelling on this today because of the message that our Pastor provided this past Sunday.  He gave me feedback…not one on one…but one to many…and it was candid and brutal.  He preached from Luke 6:27-35:

But I tell you who hear me:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.  If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.  If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” do that.  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?  Even “sinners” lend to “sinners”, expecting to be repaid in full.  But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything in back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

That really hit me hard…three days of thinking hard…three days of anger, denial, rationalization, and acceptance hard.

That’s feedback I didn’t want to hear from a very respected source that came at a time when I’m struggling with love for those who irritate me the most.

And this morning, the feedback received on Sunday was hammered home even further in my readings from Isaiah 42:18-20, 23:

Hear, you deaf;

   look, you blind, and see!

Who is blind but my servant,

   and deaf like the messenger I send?

Who is blind like the one committed to me,

   blind like the servant of the Lord?

You have seen many things, but have paid no attention;

   your ears are open, but you hear nothing.

Which of you will listen to this

   or pay close attention in time to come?

I struggle with listening.  I struggle with accepting this kind of honest feedback, even more so when it hits home at a non-coincidental time in my life and forces me to fully assess the way I’m behaving or things I’m doing.

But even I pay attention when the brutal feedback heard one day is hammered in from another source on another day.

Then I have to listen.

Then I have to change.

Then I have to accept.

That’s today.